Stop Being Too Nice! It Could Get You Killed…
(Updated November 2023)
Would it kill you to be nice? Well, yes. In some cases, it actually could.
Many of us want to be nice people. Nice people are polite and helpful. They try to be considerate of the feelings of others. Nice people don’t want to offend or upset anyone and are uncomfortable “causing a scene.”
I’m not saying that it’s wrong to be nice…
- Unless it blinds your threat awareness…
- Unless you allow it to ignore your inner voice…
- Unless you choose to act before thinking about possible consequences…
Think about it. When you’re in public and you see someone who seems to be in distress or needs help, your impulse is to help, right? Naturally.
But that inclination can sometimes cause you to overlook the possibility of danger and allow a stranger to get too close.
How can helping someone be dangerous?
As an example, let’s say that you’ve just left work, or a store and you’re heading to your car. A man, well-dressed, leg in a cast, and using crutches asks for your help putting his purchases in his car. He looks like a nice guy and he’s friendly. And his leg is clearly broken.
What could it hurt to help the poor guy out?
Ted Bundy, the serial killer, used that inclination to his advantage. He often lured his victims into his car by pretending to have a broken arm or leg, sometimes using crutches, and asking for their help.
Unfortunately, many unsuspecting women chose to be nice and help him. Their kindness proved to be a fatal mistake.
Predators are very good at using a person’s kindness as a tool to lure them into harm’s way. They rely on our natural inclination to want to help.
But I don’t want to seem rude…
Don’t put yourself in a compromising position because you don’t want to seem rude or offensive.
For example, let’s say that you’re walking home. It’s dark and raining. A car stops next to you. The man and woman inside offer you a ride. You should turn them down. But the people are smiling and friendly. And you don’t want to look ungrateful by refusing their help.
Caroline Roberts accepted a ride from people she thought were being helpful. Caroline knew the people, but was uncomfortable being around them. In an interview on a crime-investigation documentary, Caroline said,
“My instinct was not to get in the car, but another part of me was saying ‘Don’t be rude. Give them the benefit of the doubt.’ ”
So Caroline got in the car. She spent the next 12+ hours being brutally attacked and raped by them.
“Don’t you trust me?”
You’re walking out of a store with a bunch of bags. A stranger asks to help you carry them. Your response, hopefully, is “No thanks. I’ve got it.”
The conversation continues, sounding similar to this…
Predator: “It’s OK. I really don’t mind helping.”
You: “No thanks.”
Predator: “Those bags look heavy. Let me help you.”
You: “NO THANK YOU. Really! I’m fine.”
Then comes the real pressure for you to accept their help: “Don’t you trust me?”
Don’t let them embarrass you into saying yes. Once you’ve told them that you don’t want their help, the conversation should be over. If they refuse to accept “no,” maybe they’re just being annoying or badly flirtatious… or maybe they’re a predator hoping to make you their prey.
The devil rarely looks like the devil
Not all predators look evil. Not all of them wear hoodies, gloves, masks and/or carry a weapon. In fact, many are well-dressed and fit in to their surroundings.
So don’t be fooled by charisma, charm, or attractiveness. Bundy was a charismatic, smiling and friendly guy (when he chose to be).
“The Devil does not look like the Devil. Some predators are charming, good looking and they lead normal lives and have a profession. Predators are shadow figures and they are chameleons that blend into their surroundings and they look like they should be there.” ~Bill Oliver, Retired Forensic Psychiatric Technician
Predators rely on people’s natural inclination to be helpful
Predators rely on nice people opening the door when they hear a knock. Predators rely on nice people being willing to help others. And predators rely on nice people not wanting to make a scene or be rude.
“Predators will use social conventions to their advantage. They know that it’s rude to be rude, and that nice people don’t want to be rude.
They know you’ll feel strange crossing the street when they’re walking toward you, and that you probably won’t. They know you probably won’t tell them to get out of your face when they come too close, or that you’ll shake their hand when they put it out for you.
The most dangerous predators won’t seem like predators on the surface, but odds are, you’ll know something isn’t right. They’ll be where they don’t belong or they’ll be doing something a normal person wouldn’t do. It may be something small, but if you’re aware and paying attention, you’ll see it.
And you don’t have to be paranoid. You simply need to be aware and pay attention to your feelings.” ~David Erath Jr, The Ultimate Guide to Unarmed Self Defense
You do NOT have to be nice or polite to someone who is making you uncomfortable!
If a stranger stops and asks for directions or for other help, it’s okay to say “sorry” and keep moving.
If a stranger is trying to get into your personal space or interact with you, it’s OK to tell them to leave you alone.
Don’t brush that uneasy feeling aside. Instead, listen to it. If you feel that you’re in danger, do something about it.
Give yourself permission to scream, run, and/or defend yourself. Say No! Make a scene! Be offensive! Who cares what anyone thinks? At worst, you were wrong and can apologize. At best, you just saved your life.
It would be nice if we could trust everyone.
I realize that every stranger is not a predator. I’m not suggesting that you become paranoid. I’m not suggesting that you stop being a nice person.
But I am asking that you become more cautious and aware.
“We expect our kids to look both ways before crossing the street, but we don’t want to look behind us while at an ATM because we might hurt someone’s feelings. We often relinquish our intuitive nature and do this at great cost to our own safety.” ~Pat McNamara, Ballisticmag.com
Listen for that inner voice that may be trying to warn you that something isn’t right. Who cares what others think?
Develop a defensive mindset. Learn some awareness skills. Take a self defense class (or two). And realize that there are some really bad people out there who are hoping to take advantage of your niceness.
Be cautious. Be aware. Be safe.
~Shereen
Join Personal Defense Connection on Tumblr
